Ben Michael Ward is a Web Developer in San Francisco.

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A little while later

Eight and a half hours in the air takes the edge off the raw emotion of leaving. The mind settles down, you remember that the people back home are going to be fine and you return to your middle point; contemplative but with no bias toward sadness, happiness or otherwise.

I’m looking out the window at Oregan, flying over the flats between Mount Rainier and the Blue Mountains. Below me are circular fields—surely an inefficient use of farmland, but since there’s no shortage of land in this gigantic country, I guess the ease of ploughing, sowing and harvesting in a big spiral is appealing. We’re about 570 miles from San Francisco. (I’ve stopped watching films and have the flight info screen scrolling by instead—it took ages to write this paragraph as I waited for each map view to cone around twice for spelling confirmation.)

I recall Tom warning me about these feelings. Something to the effect of having a good chunk of time where you feel like you’re making a terrible mistake.

Just a semi-circular field this time. Pretty sure that’s not as clever.

I wish I’d remembered him saying that earlier, when I was feeling it.

Anyway, I know this is going to be awesome. Give it a week to sort out the remaining beurocratic nonsense and get my Twitter friends list up to scratch and it’ll be easy. Mum will figure out Skype, Dad won’t but will manage to obnoxiously act out in the background whilst Mum’s using it; communication in general won’t be much harder than at home.

The idea that I live here is a bit unreal, though. In fact, that’s only just hinting at sinking in now. It just feels like I’m coming for a visit. I guess I’ll realise that I haven’t returned home at some point.

Live blogging on the plane is very theraputic. Whilst being critical of and frustrated by Wordpress’ internals is all too easy, the iPhone app is simply outstanding. As a publishing platform, very excellent.

Less than an hour to go. Getting excited now.

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2 Responses to “A little while later”

  1. Comment by Isofarro

    August 13th, 2008 at 8:02 pm

    Hey Ben,

    I know the feeling well. After Christmas of 1998 I left behind everything and everyone I knew and moved from South Africa to the UK.

    I never regretted doing this, but I had my collection of safety nets. The first thing was a return plane ticket open for a year, so I could fly back at any time when I felt I couldn’t handle it. Being on my own for the first time ever, it was something I felt I had to have. Never had to be self-sufficient before. But, I never used the return ticket for its intended purpose. I used it as the outbound flight to visit my parents for Christmas.

    I found it odd that it took me a long time to get the feeling I was at home in the UK. Close on two to three years I guess. But even today I have two homes – one here in the UK, and one in South Africa where my parents are.

    The first couple of months are the hardest, once the adrenaline and the adventure/novelty factor has worn off. Settling into a decent rhythm does help whittle off the time.

    Give yourself time, like six months – promise yourself not to consider deciding whether this was a good move or not until six months have passed. Just take each day as it comes. Then on that date allow yourself to ask:

    • Am I happy with life as it is right now?
    • Am I where I want to be?

    What is useful is that you already have a number of friends where you are. That helps amplify the happiness, and avoid isolation. Isolation is a killer.

    The key thing is never to let the enormity of what you are doing bother you. It’s a challenge, and a change. Just live your life as you want to live it.

    If in six months you decide it’s not the place for you – you’ve tried it. You are young enough to undo that little deviation and take corrective action. (Though I seriously think corrective action will not be necessary at all, I’m expecting you’ll just love it out there in San Francisco, and the time will fly by rather quickly.)

    I did find leaving behind my parents particularly difficult, and so did they. It wasn’t easy in the time leading up to my leaving. We had to deal with some difficult emotions. The key thing is to keep in touch. Distance multiplies confusion and worry, so regular phone calls do help keep things calm.

    The other thing is not to disappear off the face of the earth. In today’s world, and considering how well connected you are (in social network terms), that just ain’t gonna happen :-)

    There’s a whole new world out there waiting to be discovered. Treasure this time you have, and live everyday as yourself and the person you want to be.

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  2. Comment by Ste

    August 20th, 2008 at 9:48 am

    Mother Fucker (you can delete the expletive if you want, but I think it’s warranted!) you did it! And you didn’t even tell me!

    We’re about a week from New Zealand, 4 weeks from Fiji and then another 3 weeks or so from California! I make that mid-to-late October so you better know a good indie club before I get there or I’ll have to cut off your balls… do you have any idea how long it’s been since I danced like a ‘tard? You were there if my alcohol addled brain is correct.

    Anyway, I have a 10 hour bus to Melbourne to catch in an hour, so I wish you well on the start of your adventure and can’t wait to see you.

    Ste – email back, I’m not a regular listener.

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